I. Cant. Even. Y’all, I am still in my pajamas with last night’s mascara fighting for either mug-shot viral status or a raccoon costume for Halloween next month. My left eyelid is twitching after just 3.5 hours of being up and although I started strong with a spinach/almond butter/protein smoothie… I just ate at least 7 servings worth of tortilla chips right out of the bag.
And it’s 9:30 am.
(Who makes those serving sizes anyway? Whatever, you strong-willed, disciplined nutritionists….thanks for the morning and late-night portion control shaming.)
Yeah, I’m a little snarky this morning. Girls, I’m T-I-R-E-D. And to even think, I was fairly warned by my parenting Fairy Godmother, Jen Hatmaker of course, who told me in her post that the back to school session would be rough. Okay, got it. And because I read that in advance, I rolled back to school like a boss…..
I mean, I was on it. Like, “Yo, I got your snack size ziplock bags pre-filled with goldfish for days.” Water bottle? Already filled in the fridge, chillin. 27 pieces of paperwork from the school district that need updating even though we haven’t changed a thing? In your backpack- boom!
You guys, I really did think I was kind of a mom-ninja-bad ass.
My precious kids rolled off the bus, happy, tired… we were rocking early bedtime every night. There was no homework to monitor, just a little note from the teacher about how fun the year was going to be… I’m thinking, “I really DO have this school thing down.”
This lasted about two weeks…..
It started with the “All about me” project. Like I have 10 photos just sitting around waiting to be cropped and pasted to a poster-board…doesn’t every teacher know we haven’t printed photos out in 3 years? Can’t I just send my phone in with him on share day? Have him use Photo-scroll and you can tell exactly what we have done all year! So now I have some Walgreens Fast-print pass that I’ll use in 365 more days when we do this all over again. (And not one day before then.)
Back to school night. What? We just had “meet the teacher night.” Besides, I’m not going back to school so I’m good. I have 3 boys so I know what you are going to do in 2nd and 5th grade- same thing you did when the older two were in that grade. Oh, but wait…here’s the catch (according to the mom who has her sh*t together and reminds me why I can’t miss…) we write notes to our kids at their desks that night for them to read in the morning. Well, kill me now- I’m not fighting 348 other parents who managed to remember this night and cramming my body into that small desk just to write a note. I’ll let my kid have double dessert and call it a day. Maybe, I’ll rock it and write a note on a post-it and shove that in the lunch box too.
The after school commitments….
Get me started.
Can I just pay you to NOT volunteer? Trust me, this isn’t where you want me. I started looking at Scott R.’s math papers in 9th grade to get out of High School (Sorry God) so I don’t think you want me with a bunch of uber-smart 5th graders solving logic math problems in an after-school club. Can I google the questions they ask me? No? Oh, I’m out. If only clubs had a “volunteer opt-out fee;” man, I’d write that check every single time.
It really escalates when you get to middle school. Just when you are relieved their sports have moved to weekdays (yes, for you new parents, this is actually a relief) it’s the rest of their valevictorian -in-training involvement that will slowly kill your adrenal gland.
Need to go in early for this, stay late for that. $20 here, $50 there. New choir t-shirt fee because NO WAY we can have the same design 2 years in a row…besides, if we don’t spend it, we can’t charge you for it so … cha-ching, another $12 please! Tonight my oldest gets pizza, then bussed up to another district middle school to PRACTICE his choir selections for regional choir tryouts next month…. which are mandatory for taking choir in 8th grade. Oh, and if they finish by 8pm they get more pizza and a DJ.
A DJ, y’all.
So, instead of crawling into bed at a reasonable hour (which holler if you know that means about 9:30pm these days, sisters) we’ll be carting it up 20 miles north to pick up our DJ dancing, pizza eating choir student at 9pm.
Of course we will.
But after that, I’m seriously contemplating enrolling back in school.
While I take comfort in knowing that I am preparing my child for the path…and not preparing the path for my child….(another Jen Hatmaker nugget) can I just say there are WAY too many distractions for us parents in this season? I mean it is pure static at this point…. and it’s wearing me out. So I’m going to enroll in middle school…cause the drama of Kevin not asking me to the dance back in 8th grade is really so much easier than tax returns, choosing health insurance or figuring out how I’m going to be in 3 places at once…..constantly.
On second thought, the breakouts and wardrobe meltdowns aren’t worth it… I think I’ll just take a day to pause… eat tortilla chips & salsa for breakfast and allow myself some grace. (and really, isn’t that eating like a teenager anyway?) I hear my phone chirping about carpool updates….”so what?” for now. Yes, I know that reading log didn’t get signed… we’ll get it on Monday. Classroom fair donation? Gonna have to wait. Cereal for dinner perhaps? I think so.
Spoiler alert….everyone will live. And life will go on. And it will be amazing. As for today….
I’m cutting school. 😉
(Photo credit http://www.photocase.com)